“Child rearing” sounds like something that’ll get you life in prison.

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my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer


To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”


Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: Did you laminate these yourself?


I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.


Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.


Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”


Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.


What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?


The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.


I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.