a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.
Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.
3: That’s because I flushed.