Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.