[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
wow he looks just like him