Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
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[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”