Childless people wondering what it’s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.

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Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.


Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.


Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.

On 2. Go!

Football parenting




I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.


The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing


Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”


Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?

Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time