honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Childless people wondering what it’s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
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Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…
Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.
On 2. Go!
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?
Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time