Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
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regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins