@JaiWalker

Childless people wondering what it’s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.

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@Celestinelea90

Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.

@JohnLyonTweets

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

@DaddyNick

Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.

On 2. Go!

Football parenting

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@yoyoha

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

@gg21462

The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?

Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time