Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone


When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?


I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.


My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”


*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!


*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?


MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.


Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”


My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.