@Erik_Bergstrom

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

@Gupton68

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

@Prero22

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

@cravin4

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

@Book_Krazy

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

@Kyle_Lippert

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

@TheCiscoKidder

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

@novicefather

My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.