*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain