“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
bears
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
WWE is French for “yes”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Pot warmers of the day.