@WheelTod

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

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@pilau

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

@UrbanDouchebag

Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.

@sixthformpoet

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

@iLikeCatShirts

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

@themorris23

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

@Lou16em

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

@tigersgoroooar

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

@Steven37366100

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No