“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
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when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I love twitter
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
WWE is French for “yes”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.