“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

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mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday


Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.


A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.


Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.


When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.


My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people


Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.


Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No