Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.