@_troyjohnson

Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.

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@Fab_Mommy_

This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
Psychopath.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

@caperbc75

My grandfather is so racist he only eats white chocolate at Easter.

@Jake_Vig

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

@KenJennings

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

@3sunzzz

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”