This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.
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Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My grandfather is so racist he only eats white chocolate at Easter.
Dating is a lot like hiking.
Don’t take the psycho-path.
Florida be like…
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”