if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Wednesday
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.