Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”