childrens alphabet books are the only thing keeping us from forgetting what a xylophone is

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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.


My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.


I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife


Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.


Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup


Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”


Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few