Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
You Might Also Like
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite