“chill before serving” is the best advice I can think of if you’re an angry waitress

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2016: Sanders wins presidency
2017: Marijuana legalized in all 50 states
20$x: lol what were we talking about


My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.


I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?


If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.


7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.


If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.


I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast


3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it