Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish