Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
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To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
the composer
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.