China are probably making all the medals anyway.
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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
🐕🍷
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐