CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
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My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Hello Twits.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
how many bears make up a bear minimum
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?