[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
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The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I am a gravy boat captain
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.