“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

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Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.


In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.


Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.



See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.


Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter


Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…


[aliens land]
Me: …
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent


I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..

He’s a small arms dealer.


If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.


I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand