“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

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Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.


*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.


When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.


me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.


My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.


Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals


C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.


*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*


CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]


I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it


The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.