[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
You Might Also Like
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.