[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
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Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.