Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
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Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.