@big_mick_carter

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

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@onion_an

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

@Browtweaten

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

@salmarch79

Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her’s and copy exactly what she wrote.

@RocketRankoon

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

@lincnotfound

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

@Joshuawbenson

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

@Zenaida__3

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

@drunkNnaughty

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

@simoncholland

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.