Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
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Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?