Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
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“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I feel this so hard
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.