WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
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Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”
Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Me: How was school today?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.