chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
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has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt