@thelateinnings

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

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@ArfMeasures

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

@ThePocketJustin

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

@Smooheed

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

@scorpicpanda

5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”

Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”

@KentWGraham

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

@Julian_Epp

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

@RodLacroix

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

@AnOrangeSNES

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.