Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
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ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare