Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
chipotle guy: for the guac.
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Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving
ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy
fwb: friends with benefits
my brain: fingle white bemale
[at a bar]
me: hey girl are u a wanted criminal
me: oh ok [to a group of cops] shes not here, search the other building
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.