@bobby

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

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@Kids_kubed

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

@WhiteVictimacy

Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

@FunkyFresh_79

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

@sonictyrant

HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving

ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy

@TheRichieK

fwb: friends with benefits

my brain: fingle white bemale

@yayraptor

[at a bar]

me: hey girl are u a wanted criminal

girl: no

me: oh ok [to a group of cops] shes not here, search the other building

@AceMakesWords

“Easter?” HERE
“Thanksgiving?” HERE
“Christmas?” PRESENT