Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

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Me *fawning over 4yo*: you’re cuter than your Dad!

Husband *muttering*: yeah but I’m taller.


Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.


If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.

The job I actually get paid for.


doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes


Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.


Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”


[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there


Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*


Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.