These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.