Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!