Me *fawning over 4yo*: you’re cuter than your Dad!
Husband *muttering*: yeah but I’m taller.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
You Might Also Like
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.
The job I actually get paid for.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.