Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

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These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.


LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking


Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.


My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.


Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.


Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy


[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’


I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store


Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.