chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Meeeee too!
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
A Short Story.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
won’t smith
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.