chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
nobody’s gonna understand
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
This hospital has everything
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
(by @ZachWeiner )
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.