[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
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“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.