Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…