Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.
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wife: our beautiful baby girl
me: she’s got your eyes
wife: and your nose
Gimili: and my axe
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.