@SilverKick

Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.

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@zebrasyndicate

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

@pilau

wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe

@CatherineLMK

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

@MrGirlDad

After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.

@nice_mustard

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

@FrazzleMyGimp

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

@jazmasta

[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today

@Prof_Hinkley

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

@mommy_cusses

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.