German cartoonist Martin Perscheid
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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Waitress: “Hi, my nam-”
Me: “Vodka martini, please.”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.
Me: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC