My step-dad’s pretty cool. Not as cool as my fence-dad, though. Roof-dad is okay. What is a father?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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friend: i am going to Imagine Dragons this weekend
me [can imagine dragons whenever i want]: nice
Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?
We should’ve cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they’re part of a Thriller flash mob
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
* having me let go will cost $10
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds