@Laser_Cat

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

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@BGH70

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

@Underchilde

You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.

@Knorg

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

@donni

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

@JElvisWeinstein

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

@illiter8too

Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.