Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you