welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“Chocolate is so yummy it’d probably taste good on mothballs.” – inventor of Whopper Candies.
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If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
Got kicked out of a mosh pit again for petting people’s hair
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
TSA: do you have anything to declare?
Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war
Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.