I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
The pen is writier than the sword.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My patience has stretch marks.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year