“Chocolate is so yummy it’d probably taste good on mothballs.” – inventor of Whopper Candies.

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welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister


If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.



My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.


TSA: do you have anything to declare?

Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war


Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.


My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.


My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.