@evanrhorne

“Chocolate is so yummy it’d probably taste good on mothballs.” – inventor of Whopper Candies.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

@UnFitz

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

@causticbob

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@DaddyJew

TSA: do you have anything to declare?

Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war

@DothTheDoth

Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.

@maughammom

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

@schumoo

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.