Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*