Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
A ghost story
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*