@Schmoodles

Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?

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@FuniBob

I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross

@KenJennings

ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
1. Mosquitoes
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark

@KateWhineHall

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

@sofarrsogud

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

@kellysdf

Apparently, if you Google “boss” and “chloroform” from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.

@corysnearowski

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

@CantWaitToNap

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.