Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.