Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

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Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”


A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”


[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips


Me: I was sober for 12 years

AA Director: What happened ?

Me: I turned 13….


My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.


“IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN” I yell while running in the opposite direction.


I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.


His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye


Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.