@donni

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

You Might Also Like

@David_Ingram

Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”

@paulablu22

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

@Michael_Neese

Me: I was sober for 12 years

AA Director: What happened ?

Me: I turned 13….

@OakHill_

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

@BackrowSeats

“IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN” I yell while running in the opposite direction.

@Juan_Incognito

I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.

@UncleDuke1969

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

@novicefather

Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.