Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made