Choose your fighter
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Mission: Impossible
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.