Choose your fighter

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My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.


I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers


I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?



Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership?

Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn’t agree with


No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.


I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.


Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.


My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.


‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.