choose your gary
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I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Happy birthday to all the women
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.