Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.