Jesus: I have to die because of sin
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
Jesus: For eating an apple
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please
store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I’ve had 6 cups of coffee and am about to shave my pet cactus
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out