[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
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If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.