[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

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Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No


When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.


white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery


As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.


Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Lisa
Barista: Pizza?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.


This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”


me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please

store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives


[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out