@InternetHippo

Choosing your identity when you become a politician

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@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@LaziestCanine

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”

HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME

@Poutymcgee

<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.

@Godhatespants

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

@rockymomax

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

@roxiqt

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

@Not_From_Troy

The girl in front of me sped up so I did too. She started to run, just like me. Then she yelled for help, me too. I wonder what we fled from

@DannyMcH2O

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

@KeetPotato

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”