ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
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I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
You can’t rush stupid.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser