@joe_binkley

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

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@palmersword

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

@50FirstTates

Police Officer: whose drugs are these?

Owen, my pet snake: hissssssss

Me: Owen wtf

@EliseRose5

When someone says, “Good luck with that” they actually mean “Let me grab some popcorn so I can watch you fail.”

@YuckyTom

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

@shawn_spree

This 8 year old kid at McDonald’s just ordered coffee. I hate to think the hell of the day he is having.

@AaronFullerton

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

@vuhsace

All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day

@Audenary

BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.

BOUNCER: Nope.

*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.

@Bob_Janke

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

@WhatevaConc

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.