god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
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Police Officer: whose drugs are these?
Owen, my pet snake: hissssssss
Me: Owen wtf
When someone says, “Good luck with that” they actually mean “Let me grab some popcorn so I can watch you fail.”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
This 8 year old kid at McDonald’s just ordered coffee. I hate to think the hell of the day he is having.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day
BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.
PLUTO: I’m on the list.
*Jurassic World walks in*
PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.