[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
wish me luck lads
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.