[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
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Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Is your wife single?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*