chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Going to church you guys need anything
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX