Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
You Might Also Like
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30: