me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
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[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
thanksgiving in nutshell
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here